Bad Days = Lame!

Yesterday was probably one of the lowest/worst days I've had in awhile; there is nothing like receiving a 20 page hand written letter from your ex-boyfriend (whom you dated for 2 years back when you were 15/16 years old...I'm 21 and he's 22 now) who is locked away in prison for 13 years (has 8 years left) for a stupid decision that he made, basically telling me that I am an asshole and made him feel like a worthless piece of trash because I asked him in a letter all the questions I had been wanting to ask for the last three years about he, we got from Point A to Point B (which is him being locked up).

You see...I lived in Kansas for about 5 years, and I was forced to move away after the end of my ninth grade year to South Carolina to be with my mom. My mom had left KS a few months prior to me being sent to live with her and because of the situation with my stepmom and I, my dad basically kicked me out. Barry (my ex) and I dated for a year long distance and then we decided to remain friends, and friends we have been. I had planned on moving back to Kansas after I graduated from high school because well...after 5 years of living in Kansas it had become home and I loved it there, not to mention I wanted to be with him. The same month that I graduated high school was the same month he got busted with all the lame stuff and got arrested; how was I suppose to move back at that point when he was going to be the sole provider for the time being? It just didn't feel right to me and so I never went back, and now he holds against me saying that I never planned on coming back.

He doesn't understand that I only asked the questions; questions about how he met certain people that got him in trouble, what other drugs besides pot he was invovled with, why he made the decision to beat the crap out of the boy; was because I wanted to better understand why we were at the point we were at now, and for three years I had been trying to figure out the answers and no one (not even his mom) would give me straight answers. But because I asked about all the 'bad' stuff from the past, I made him feel like crap because I made him dig up the things that he has thought about for the past 3 years, and look at the decisions he has made that has messed up his whole life. I never once called him a name, told him to screw off or what have you; if I truly didn't care or thought he was worthless, I wouldn't waste my time by seeing him whenever I get the chance to visit KS (like last month) or even writing. However the part that stuck out the most of the WHOLE letter is this and I quote:

"You see, I realize the difference between your love for me, and the love my mom
has for me. EVEN in prison, if I were to continue to make poor choices that
affect only me, my mom would still love me while some how I get the impression
that you have to write a 5 page letter explaining how I "fucked up your life" so
I guess you can make yourself feel better. Because the bottom line is this, YOU
NEVER PLANNED ON MOVING BACK TO KANSAS! If you had, me comming to prison would not
have effected ANYTHING! But this is where the truth lies, you love is
conditional. Tell me if I'm wrong. If it was unconditional, LCF would not be a
"barrier" like you say it is. I know men who have been locked up 15...20 years
and their wives, the women that profess their love for them mean it. I'm not
saying you don't mean what you say, I said it's conditional.

Basically to sum it all up; I apparently don't love him or care about him enough or at all because I won't/can't just drop the life that I have had to make for myself outside of living in Kansas to move back and be closer to him. That basically, if I moved back that would be the only way to prove that I was there for him 150% and loved him as I say I do. I do love him, I always will and always have...but waiting for someone, at a young age (21), for the next 8 years would be in my opinion cheating myself out of so much. I did not make the decision he did that put him where he is but yet I have made the decision to stick by him as a friend because all he has is his family (mainly only his mom) and because I do care about him but apparently me being there for him is not enough. He doesn't seem to understand and/or realize that I have to do what I feel is right for me and my life at this point, and at this point I don't feel that me moving back to Kansas is the right thing for me.

In the end, I know that I am not perfect and yes I too have put him through some rough times over the last seven years and have made decisions that I am not proud of, but never once did I ever think that he didn't love me through it all and never once did I ever think that he didn't care; since day one of all this happening, I have done nothing but try to be a friend and be a support system in the best way that I knew how being so far away all the while still trying to make decisions that I feel are right in my mind and heart so that I could be okay with my OWN life. Deep down, I do still love him like I did when we first met and that won't ever change, perhaps I am selfish...does it make me selfish because I want something more than just someone stuck behind prison walls that you only get to visit a few times a few and only get a few hugs & kisses at the beginning and end? I don't think it is. I have a lot of decisions to make for myself, decisions that I will have to live with the rest of my life and I'm not about to make a false, irrational move and drop everything that I've worked hard on for the past three years because he feels that my love is conditional.

I love him. I'm there for him but I am not strong enough to be called an asshole and told in a round about way that you don't love me or care about me otherwise you'd come back...and that "answers to the great underlying problem was indeed you and not having you," thus only opening back up my feelings of it was all my fault.